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21 December 2010 @ 11:35 pm
Wow, has my life changed. Where to begin?

In terms of my self-image & other related weight issues, I've lost 50 pounds. I'm no longer pushing 180, but back in the 130's, within a matter of months. I've officially become vegan, but I definitely have been starving myself more or less since March. I had a huge falling out with some roommates and old girlfriends of mine-- was so affected by it the first 15 came off effortlessly. Once I started getting positive feedback, I realized how good it felt. I lost another 15 by my brother's wedding in June. Lost the last 20 since then. I eat 1-2 meals a day, fewer if I have any control over it. People look at me as though I'm crazy: "You look reallyyy skinny" they say. I don't give a shit-- I want to lose more. I still see so much room for improvement. More about this in coming paragraphs...

I fell in love :) My roommate had a friend visiting this past summer and not only did we instantly connect, but we just really hit it off as well. We hooked up and though he was only there for 36 hours, we knew something was there. We tried to not get too attached and just keep up casually, but with every exchange, we fell harder and harder: it was beyond our control. The problem? I live in California & he was in New York. He visited again three months later-- took my virginity and had a wonderful week. He's moving to LA in early January, though it'll still be long distance, it's certainly much easier. I can't even explain how much I love him and how much he means to me. Being away from him may be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm attracted to him on so many different levels, it's absolutely and totally overwhelming.

My good relationships with my family has completely been relinquished. My sister and brother have resented me all semester for changing so much, thinking that I'm "on drugs" or doing something disturbing. They don't understand me and it's quite tragic. Little did they know, I was dealing with a sexual assault and a difficult, determining semester.

I'm home for the holidays now and I can't remember the last time (in the past year) that I felt so truly alone. My family doesn't support me. My true best friends are away at home. And my boyfriend is far far away. My plans to visit him get completely expelled thanks to my family's sudden urge to travel. I can't get away for New Years & they planned a fucking cruise January 7th-14th-- I should be grateful, and I am! but I'm mostly upset because I'll be stuck on a boat with people I don't necessarily prefer traveling with. I wanted to be back in California by that time and I'll be returning wayyy later than I ever dreamed. Not to mention, my eating disorder started 6 years ago right before a cruise...interesting the full circle our lives make.

I'm famished, lovesick, depressed, and wanting to get out ASAP.

I'm beside myself. It'll be incredible if I make it past the holidays. I feel as though I'm a constant disappointment to everyone around me...and I don't really care.
15 April 2010 @ 10:52 am
I'm beginning to hate myself more and more again.
17 August 2009 @ 07:18 pm
why am i like this? why does it take nothing to trigger something so severe?

i feel SO uncomfortable with everything right now. it makes me sick to my stomach.

i need cigarettes. i really really need them. i feel hate towards myself. i'm so unsettled. i'm so uneasy.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do i feel like this?
21 July 2009 @ 04:34 pm
ughh i just got into a fight with my dad because i didn't want to go out-- mostly because i don't want to go out and be tempted or just go out at all. i'm in such shitty moods on my fasts...it's ridic.
21 July 2009 @ 12:10 pm
ate nothing yesterday...i guess i'm on a fast?

lost a couple pounds. i'm now tipping towards the other side of the scale. this may sound like a victory but the fact that i let myself go that far is really...really...disgusting.
20 July 2009 @ 01:36 am
i wanna smoke soooooooooooo badlyyyyyyy.
i loveee being high and horny.
ughh i need to release this soooooooooooon.

i go back to school in less than a month i CANNOT wait
19 July 2009 @ 01:17 am
i have SO much love for the people around me, it hurts. i know i have this much love, if not more, to offer lovers and i can't want for that to happen. i really want to be with someone for the rest of my life-- i don't want to be divorced, left, or sad thanks to a failed marriage. i'm terrified that he'll leave me one day. i just want to be happy with him, and to be honest, i don't know why it won't happen. i just want him to be so happy with me and i want to be so happy with him. i feel like whenever i get close to anyone i search for things to bug me, even if they are the most gorgeous, perfect guy in the world. i want to not search for these things. i want to leave cute notes for him before he goes to work, i want to get calls from him just saying that he loves me. but most of all, i just want to make him happy. i hope i'm good enough.

on a separate note, i'm sorry if i don't want to call you up to see you. i don't necessarily see the point-- i rather stay home and enjoy my family rather than hang out with you: my "circumstantial" friends. also, i'm TERRIFIED of losing people close to me. i literally don't know how to exist with some of these people. i will die and that i'm certain.
11 July 2009 @ 11:54 pm
only one meal each day for the past couple of days... not amazing but not terrible.
10 July 2009 @ 04:24 pm
i purged for the first time in at least a couple years...

omg.... i feel....weird.
15 June 2009 @ 12:12 am
i lost... .25 pounds. no victory, but i guess it's still progress.

it doesn't matter, i totally fucked it up today. i didn't go outside of my diet, but i did eat a lot. outside of my "meals"-- a lot of cheese, a lot of almonds, and a sugar free fudge bar. bleghh. my numbers are so going to be fucked up because of it :( not necessarily what i ate, but when i ate it...late at night. i cannot keep doing this. i need to stay focused! i'm doing a really great job and sticking to WHAT i'm supposed to eat, but as far as when i eat, i could do better.

oh welllll. hopefully all the liquids will help :/