why am i like this? why does it take nothing to trigger something so severe?

i feel SO uncomfortable with everything right now. it makes me sick to my stomach.



i need cigarettes. i really really need them. i feel hate towards myself. i'm so unsettled. i'm so uneasy.

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do i feel like this?

ughh i just got into a fight with my dad because i didn't want to go out-- mostly because i don't want to go out and be tempted or just go out at all. i'm in such shitty moods on my fasts...it's ridic.

ate nothing yesterday...i guess i'm on a fast?

lost a couple pounds. i'm now tipping towards the other side of the scale. this may sound like a victory but the fact that i let myself go that far is really...really...disgusting.

i wanna smoke soooooooooooo badlyyyyyyy.
i loveee being high and horny.
ughh i need to release this soooooooooooon.

i go back to school in less than a month i CANNOT wait

i have SO much love for the people around me, it hurts. i know i have this much love, if not more, to offer lovers and i can't want for that to happen. i really want to be with someone for the rest of my life-- i don't want to be divorced, left, or sad thanks to a failed marriage. i'm terrified that he'll leave me one day. i just want to be happy with him, and to be honest, i don't know why it won't happen. i just want him to be so happy with me and i want to be so happy with him. i feel like whenever i get close to anyone i search for things to bug me, even if they are the most gorgeous, perfect guy in the world. i want to not search for these things. i want to leave cute notes for him before he goes to work, i want to get calls from him just saying that he loves me. but most of all, i just want to make him happy. i hope i'm good enough.

on a separate note, i'm sorry if i don't want to call you up to see you. i don't necessarily see the point-- i rather stay home and enjoy my family rather than hang out with you: my "circumstantial" friends. also, i'm TERRIFIED of losing people close to me. i literally don't know how to exist with some of these people. i will die and that i'm certain.

only one meal each day for the past couple of days... not amazing but not terrible.

i purged for the first time in at least a couple years...

omg.... i feel....weird.

i lost... .25 pounds. no victory, but i guess it's still progress.

it doesn't matter, i totally fucked it up today. i didn't go outside of my diet, but i did eat a lot. outside of my "meals"-- a lot of cheese, a lot of almonds, and a sugar free fudge bar. bleghh. my numbers are so going to be fucked up because of it :( not necessarily what i ate, but when i ate it...late at night. i cannot keep doing this. i need to stay focused! i'm doing a really great job and sticking to WHAT i'm supposed to eat, but as far as when i eat, i could do better.

oh welllll. hopefully all the liquids will help :/

I lost two more pounds! So since Monday, I've lost a total of eight pounds. I really need to keep this South Beach diet up! It's doing wonders for me :)

Today, I have to go to this family friend's grad party. In high school, this is where I gained weight! So I need to stay far away from the food! Time to get ready for the day...

I'm back. Not for ED reasons though.

I'm back home for the summer, which is boring but not half as bad as it was during Christmas break. One month is way too long to be away from school and into the snow. So far, it's really not that bad here. I'm working, I'm spending time with family, and I forgot how beautiful it is here. At the same time, I do miss my friends from school! I really wish I could visit some of them... but oh well, I'll be living with half of them when I return in August.

So anyways, I've been gaining weight like crazy since I've been home! So, starting this past Monday, I've joined the South Beach Diet (Phase One). I got to admit-- I like it! It's super restricting but in one day, I already lost 5.5 pounds. Not bad, huh?

Sure, it's water weight but I'll take anything I can get.

I've been eating super delicious foods too! Like spaghetti squash, shrimp, chicken, salad, cheese-- basically all my favorite foods.

So this "Phase One" that is a part of the diet is the part that has zero carbs. No fruit, no breads, no sugar, no fats. It's estimated that a person loses 8-13 pounds and this lasts for two weeks. After two weeks, one starts adding in carbs, but I don't know if I want to move onto this phase.

Whatevs, I'll worry about it once I get to it. Anyways, I feel great and hopefully I can keep this up! Actually, I have to keep it up. I have no choice-- I cannot gain weight or else my health will severely deteriorate. This is more than a vanity issue-- this is a health issue.

-1. :/

I'm SUCH a bitch when I don't eat. Seriously, I ruin things with my mood. Yesterday at the mall, I wasn't going to eat, but honestly, I was getting way too depressed. We sat down and had dinner...

-3/4 of one large orange
-2 chicken lettuce wraps
-brown rice with sweet & sour sauce & vegetables
-one spoon of this disgustingly sweet dessert
-coffee (cream & sugar)
-frozen fruit drink

BUT i did buy new tennis shoes! i think that'll motivate me to work out more. i came home last night & ran for like five minutes on the treadmill. then i did some ab workouts for a bit.

i guess i should be happy i lost a pound? but years ago when i fasted, i seriously would lose five pounds in one day...what the hellllll :(

I didn't lose ANYTHING.

Kind of understandably, but it pisses me off! Yesterday I had,
-bowl of french onion soup
-bread roll
-cobb salad
-frozen cherry drink

but! i did go to a yoga class yesterday...& this yoga is NOT easy. it's very vigorous & intense.

and i drank insane amounts of water! UGH. to be honest i ALMOST binged after i saw that on the scale. but then i thought of a certain boyyy, & how dissapointed he'd be in me if i became EVEN larger. which you may think is impossible, but it isn't. i just have to stay strong. i'm going shopping with my mom & sister today (UGH) & i reallyyyy don't want to go. i can feel the depression settling in. i just want to sleep all day. god, i haven't felt this way in a long time. i really need cigarettes.

i'm just so frusterated. i CANNOT be this big. but i can't be this sad. it seriously is taking its toll.

i'm just going to keep thinking about this guy. he's really amazing thinspiration for me. i just want to be everything for him!

looking in the mirror hurts more than starving though....

Hey girliesss, I was wondering who of you smoke (cigs). I smoke ciggarettes while intoxicated, but ever since I've been home (for the holidays) I've been reallyyy craving them. For those of you who do smoke, are they truly hunger supressants?

soo i'm taking pheteramine again. they're reallyyy good appetite supressants. i realized i have a litte over a month to lose a bunch of weight! i just need to FOCUS and lose it already!

so i started dating this guy... he's cute, nice, funny, pretty much exactly what i wanted.
we made out the other night?
i really don't know what i'm getting myself into.
hooking up with someone, a month before college?!

eh maybe this could be summer fling part one. and next summer, part two. maybe even a christmas break edition??

xox

soooo
i'm going away to college. the potential move out date: august 19th.

i NEED to lose weight and maintain that loss. i don't think i'll gain the freshman 15 **knocks on wood** but i do think i need to lose 20 pounds before i go away.

1) it's just plain bad for me to weigh this much.
2) the idea that i'll be in close quarters with boys just make me want to be tiny
3) i'll be moving to a place where you're expected to be thin and beautiful
4) i just want to get into a healthy lifestyle

wish me luck!! i have less than three months to lose all this weight... i'd like to lose 40 pounds. but HAH like that'll happen...

My dad sat me down tonight and told me possibly the deepest things anyone will ever told me.

"You see things differently than your mother, your brother, your sister- everyone. You see the world in a different life. You look beyond things to see them..."

"You are truly good. Deep down, you are morally good. I knew that ever since you were a little good-- you're a good person-- different from others."


I decided, if for anyone, him, I need to do something with my life in which I could use these things to better everything.

Well my sister asked me if I'd like to start a diet with her for "support". I of course said yes, I can't have her losing weight while I stay at this sick weight.

I lost 2 pounds in a day? pretty good for eating during the day.

I was supposed to go up to the college town tonight and get trasheddddd. well, plans fell through and I'm stuck at home. But it wasn't all terrible. I watched "Into The Wild", transcendental piece with Emile Hirsche. Here it goes:

It was the best movie I have ever seen. To see someone develop past social and materialistic norms, in hopes of becoming more spiritually, physically, morally, was so entirely moving. Imagine just burning any form of identification you had, leaving home without a trace, and really just start to evolve into that person you've always dreamed of becoming. Interacting with nature in the way God intended, finding your way to your destination based off others' acts of kindness, only to self actualize and reach your goal. Seeing this movie has truly changed me. I can't believe how I became so like this (materialistic, caught up in society's laws)-- I don't even know how to describe it. What happenned to the good in people? How can people be so bad to each other? I mean, why can't we depend on other people's goodness? Is it because we've become so paranoid of what others can do to us, whether it be rejection, pain, or even love? When I think about it, we only have each other. It's time to change how I look at life-- really achieving what I want and need of this life.

Happiness is only real when shared.

i don't know what i'm doing....

i think i've relapsed. i really want/need to be thin but just going back to my high and low emotions dependent on my weight? ugh i don't know... plus i do intense yoga now, and i don't want to pass out in the middle of it, so i now i cant just go on my 0 calorie fasts like i used to.

like i was saying before, i thought i was doing better... i don't know.

everyone has been saying how thin i look lately, they can tell in my face, waist, etc. i don't know why that inspires me to be here even more but it does.

here's something i haven't done in a while.
what i ate today (I think for now on I'm going to explain why I ate something, so I can cut out the little unncecessary calories:

-J Alexander Grilled Chicken Salad- ??? Calories. It had lettuce, vinagrette, cherry tomatoes, and shredded chips sort of thing? I ate it because I just got back from California, and my friend wanted to take me out to catch up.
-J Alexander Spinach con Queso- ??? Calories. Chips and this dip, same explanation.
-One Teaspoon Caramel- 45 Calories. I have NO idea why I ate this. I wanted something sweet and then after I realized I didn't need it.
-2 Perriers- 0 calories. Thirsty.
-3 Diet Cokes- 0 calories. Thirsty.

I have no plans for tonight, except going to my intense yoga class at 7pm. And DD-ing for my sister so she doesn't have to drive.

Wish me luck girls xox.

better days have come.

even though i still havent heard back from any more of my schools, i did win Most Stylish in senior mock elections, hellllllllll yes.

but
i still have the biggest urge to get soooo wasted and laid. any offers?

tonight i have my best friends 18th birthday party, you'd think we'd be doing something amazing right? well she invited her boyfriend's really straight edged friends. meaning we're going to be playing video games all night. and the one boy who i kinda liked of him (he got super hot over the summer), well he has a girlfriend now, damn. eh. maybe it'll be good? maybe not.

anyways, my reallyyy hot yoga instructor hasn't really talked to me in days? umm i'm kinda mad at him? he doesn't even say hi? maybe he found out how young i am and doesn't want to get involved? idk, he's stupid. but still so hot.

hmm what else has been happening. oh yeah. my best friend who's party i'm going to tonight got into the school i got deferred from. i was trying SO hard to be happy for her but inside i'm only jealous.

and in my love life? wellll i think i started to like this totally goofy guy but it may just be infatuation. he's just so cute. i think i just like staring at him? agh but other than that, nothingggg. donde estan todos los chicos?

and i think i've become a hippie. and i kinda like it?

I got deferred from my first choice school. For those of you that don't know, it means that I didn't get offerred admission during the first review and now I wait until mid April to find out admit or deny.

I want to die.
I was doing SO good. I've been going to yoga every day for the past three months (literally). I was in such a good place. No more hate. Way more love.

I got accepted to two other great schools, but it doesn't matter. I want into my top choice.

I really just want to get soooooooooo drunk and cut myself. ugh that sounds sooo good. i've never done drugs before but all i want to do is get sooo high and blow off the world.

how did this happen?! therapy wasn't helping... now i just feel like killing myself.
ruined my saturday night and weekend.

i want to sneak out and crash. fucking ughhhhhhh